Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly

Brene Brown

      

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness

Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen

the one thing we've in common is that we're sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We're tired of the national conversation centering on "What should we fear" and "who should we blame". We all want to be brave.

For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep". The next one is "I don't have enough time". Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor we're already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

As I walked up to the stage, I literally whispered aloud "what's worth doing even if I fail?"

Are you all in? can you value your vulnerability as much as your value it in others? Here's the curse of the struggle: "I want to experience your vulnerability but I don't want to be vulnerable". "Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me"

Often the result of daring greatly isn't a victory march as much as it is a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue

Regardless of our willingness to do vulnerability, it does us. When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.

Experiencing vulnerability isn't a choice, the only choice we've is how we're going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk and exposure. "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".

Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who've earned the right to hear them.

"If you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship- very gradually, very slowly" 

The most frequently form of betrayal emerging from the research and that was the most dangerous in  terms of corroding the trust connection is disengagement. Not caring, letting the connection go, if not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That's why it loves perfectionists - it's so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivated enough awareness about shame to name it and speak about it, we've basically cut it off at the knees.

Because of how we were raised or how we approach the world, we've knowingly or unknowingly attached our self-worth, to how our work is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you're worthy; if they don't love it you're worthless.

... If you're wondering what happens if you attach your self-worth to your work and people love it, let me answer that from personal and professional experience. You're in even deeper trouble. Everything shame needs to hijack and control your life is in place. You've handed over your self-worth to what people think. With an awareness of shame and strong shame resilience skills, this scenario is completely different. You still want folks to like, respect and even admire what you've created, but your self-worth is not on the table. Regardless the outcome, this is about what you do, not who you are. You've already dared greatly, and that's totally aligned with your values, with who you want to be.

When leaders encourage people to connect their self

We all have shame, it's universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience.the only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. here's your choice: fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath.

The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

Shame is the fear of disconnection, it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection.

   

      Twelve "shame categories"have emerged from my research

1.       Appearance
2.       Money and work   
3.       Motherhood/fatherhood  
4.       Family   
5.       Parenting   
6.       Mental and physical health   
7.       Addiction   
8.       Sex   
9.       Aging   
10.       Religion   
11.       Surviving trauma   
12.       Being stereotyped or labeled.

   

 Guilt =I did something bad
 Shame= I'm bad

   

The answer to the question "what should I do about shame ?" It's shame resilience. Note that shame resistance is not possible. As long as we care about connection, the fear of disconnection will always be a powerful force in our lives.
   

Shame resilience is the ability to practice authenticity when we experience shame, to move through the experience without sacrificing our values, and to come out on the other side of the shame experience with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it. shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy -the real antidote to shame
   

Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.
   

Men and women with high levels of shame resilience have four things in common, I call them the elements of Shame resilience, learning to put these elements into action is what I call "Gremlin Ninja Warrior training ".and they're:
   

1-recognizing shame and understanding its triggers. ( can you
     physically recognize when you're in the grips of shame, feel
      your way through it, and figure out what messages and
      expectations triggered it?)      

2- practicing critical awareness: can you reality-check the  messages and expectations that are driving your Shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Are they what you want to be?       

  3-reaching out: are you owning and sharing your story? We can't experience   empathy if we're not connecting.      

   4-Speaking shame: are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you       need when you feel shame?

    "There's an ongoing conversation among the different factions in our brain, each competing to control the signal output channel of your behavior .. The rational system is the one that cares about the analysis of things in the outside world, while the emotional system monitors the internal worries whether they are good or bad", because both parties are battling to connect to one output - behavior - emotions can tip the balance of decision making. I would say that's definitely true when the emotion is shame.

    

When men feel that rush of inadequacy smallness, normally respond with anger and/or by completely turning off ( pissed off or shut down).
   

We're hard on others because we're hard on ourselves. That's exactly how  judgment works.
   

We judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing.
   

Masks make us feel safer even when they become suffocating. Armor makes us feel  stronger even when we grow weary from dragging the extra weight around
   

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule filtering, people pleasing, appearance,  sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: "I'm what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect". Healthy striving is self-focused: how can I improve? Perfectionism is other focused: what will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.
   

 If we want freedom from perfectionism, we have to make the long journey from "what will people think?" To "I am enough". That journey begins with Shame resilience, self-compassion, and our stories.
   
"The imperfect book that gets published is better than the  perfect book that never leaves my computer"

   

Perfection is the enemy of done.
   

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval,  which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging , but often barrier to it.because true belonging only happens when  we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.
   
For me, sitting down to a wonderful meal it's nourishment and pleasure.eating while I'm standing, be it in front of the refrigerator our inside the pantry, is always a red flag. Sitting down to watch one of my favorite shows on television is pleasure.flipping through channels for an hour is numbing.

   

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool"

      

You can say a lot about how people engage with vulnerability  by observing how often and how openly you  hear people saying: 

• I don't know
• I need help
• I'd like to give it a shot
• It's important to me
• I disagree- can we talk about it?
• It didn't work but I learnt a lot.
• Yes, I did it.
• Here's what I need.
• Here's how I feel.
• I'd like some feedback.
• Can I get your take on this.
• What can I do better next time.
• Can you teach me how to do it?
• I played a part in that
• I accept responsibility for that.
• I'm here for you.
• I want to help
• Let's move on.
• I'm sorry.
• That means a lot to me.
• Thank you.

Foreboding joy, perfectionism and numbing have emerged as the three most universal methods of protection (from vulnerability ).
   

We  disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerabilities, shame, and feeling lost and without purpose.
   

There's something sacred that happens between a parent and a child when the patent says, "me too " or shares a personal story that relates to their child's struggle
   

"Compassion is not the relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals"
   

Traveler, there's no path. The path must be forged as you walk..

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